november: i fell ill. got the fever, the sort that makes you throw up but because i have a phobia of vomiting, i did not. just a lot of heaving and gagging throughout the night. lost my appetite entirely and my weight and happiness along with it, or so it seemed. i was really, really depressed then and i thought it was just the illness getting me down. according to wikipedia fever can cause depression, though obviously not the chronic kind. but depressed i felt. i didn’t have to stay away from anybody because everybody seemed to be staying away from me too. none of my friends contacted during this month.

i could write to you, because it is essentially writing to myself because i haven’t told anybody about this blog, but i guess i was too depressed to even talk to myself in writing.

december: things at work got worse. i don’t like my bosses, it was an incredibly busy period for the business and i just lost passion for my job because i don’t like my bosses. yes, i’m emotional like that. i could work on that flaw but i don’t believe i’m the only one who has left a job because of dislike for the management. well, i haven’t exactly left my job yet but i have every intention to do so, as soon as i find the next best thing. i must add that i did try to work things out with my bosses to no avail. the fact is that if only one staff has ever worked for more than a year at your workplace, you know something’s wrong with the bosses. i thought i could handle them but i was wrong.

and now…

january: that cloud of depression has lifted, slowly but surely gaining back the weight i lost, met up with my friends during christmas or just recently, i’m making social plans for the year which includes a trip to singapore with suzie and julia, and trips to hong kong and somewhere undetermined with ella. next week i’ll be going to see the orchestra. as for online buddies, many of them have been asking if i am going back to blogging.

i do want to, clearly. i wrote a short post in the old blog on new year’s day telling people what i have been up to. i want to but i’m afraid if i’ll just quit halfway again.

logically, why should i be afraid of that because this is not a job. it is something i can do as i please because i’m not obliged. but it matters to me. it matters that if i want to blog again i should do it for the right reasons.

if only i can have the same attitude with my job. i don’t think my intention to quit is for the right reasons, but the thought of staying in it brings me utter misery.

to know that i’m doing something for my happiness, that gives me strength to go on. hoping that with every step i take it’ll lead me out of this road and on towards a better place.

and i know it may not be the case. i could be coming out of the frying pan only to jump into the fire.

but i have to try.

i run away from the people i associate myself with.

when i feel a good thing’s coming to an end, i break things and run away.

and then i feel sorry for myself and hate what i did to myself and wonder why the fuck do i do what i do.

i guess on some level i do this because i feel like i’m protecting myself from further hurt. but in doing so i isolate and alienate myself from people who know me and get me and i hurt myself in the end.

i feel alone not just because i feel like nobody loves me, but also because i feel like i don’t truly love anybody.

i went out and watch a friend get drunk. six tequila shots and a few cocktails.

i myself had a strong screwdriver. that was it because i drove.

i thought i know my limits, but the screwdriver did get me a bit tipsy. it wore off by the time i had to drive home though.

yesterday’s experience helped me understand a bit why people like to get drunk. it doesn’t make you feel happier. it just doesn’t make you feel sad. that was the trick.

and i thought i didn’t like the taste of alcohol. i usually drink for the experience rather than the taste or feelings it gives me. but yesterday… i liked the taste of vodka and orange juice.

and my drunk friend… she was a riot! until she threw up.

yet time and again, haven’t i been disappointed by the company i choose to be with? i suppose i can’t expect to be with company at all the times i would like myself to. i suppose i choose the same company far too many times that said company cannot possibly say yes to all the times i would like said company.

maybe it’s time i learn to enjoy my own company.

if only i don’t disappoint myself.

1. the car park attendant
there’s a car park opposite the mall i work in that i like to park at because it’s the cheapest. in that car park alone there are a few attendants, but there’s this one man i look forward to seeing. he was the attendant working when i parked there for the first time. he is friendly and seems like a sweet man. we exchange pleasantries whenever we meet and there was once he asked why didn’t i come in to park there for some time. besides being a strategic and affordable parking lot, i like parking my car there just because of him.

2. the jockey car park attendant
there’s this other parking lot that i go to if there’s no parking space at my favourite one above. this lot charges the same price but i have to let my car be jockeyed ‘cos there’s no parking space at the time i usually go to park. at this lot too, there’s an attendant i like. he too was the first attendant i met when i parked there for the first time. when he suggested to let my car be jockeyed i was wary. i’ve never not park the car myself and it’s scary to hand your car keys over to a stranger. i made sure i got his cell phone number just in case of anything. he speaks good english and he’s nice too. if i had to come to this car park, i always hope to see him.

3. the girl at the bakery
i like going to this bakery for snacks. sometimes we talk. she’s nice.

4. the guy at the famous amos stand
i’ve been having craving for brownies and one place to get them is the famous amos stand in the mall. it’s expensive but oh well, i figured i’ll only eat so much before i get bored of them so i won’t be spending that much anyway. it’s funny to go to these places i go to and see that the people recognise me and even make small talk.

well, so far these are the people i see during the course of my day at work, other than my colleagues. how many more characters will come into my life? depends on how long i’m staying at this job, i suppose.

and this is one job i don’t see myself leaving anytime soon.

i feel lonely, so i run away. but because i run away i am lonely.

if you asked me now, i would only name three people who i think think of me as a friend. the kind of friend that they’ll stay friends with even if they never see me for months. but that won’t happen because these are friends who would actually take the effort to see me after a while, even if i don’t. that’s why i think they think of me as a friend, because they would bother.

the three people would be ella, eve and christina.

there were other people whom i thought think of me as a friend. but lately they seem to have lost out of touch with me, despite my efforts in trying to meet up with them. i don’t know why they won’t reply my messages on facebook asking to go out for dinner. they haven’t been texting me lately either..

i find that kind of behaviour rude. if they have some issues against me that causes them to be passive-aggressive like that then i guess i’ll never know what i did wrong, would i? if i did wrong in the first place. maybe they got bored of me. maybe they just want to move on.

if that’s the case, fine. i might be lonely because you won’t talk to me, but i suppose this has to happen some time anyway. i’ll just have to get used to it.

all my life i go through phases.

some that i remember were hats, necklaces made of black string and this glass ring, never wearing shorts when i go out, always wearing skirts, never wearing sleeveless or short-sleeved tops, watching tv every day… the list goes on.

my latest fashion-related phase is my blue extensions, of course. i’m so into it that i’m contemplating adding more with the different colours of the rainbow.

yes, i get extreme like that.

what other phases am i going through right now?

quitting things.

i’ve quit the old blog. i’m planning to quit a game i used to enjoy playing on facebook. i quit trying to try so hard to meet up with old college mates who don’t seem enthusiastic enough to meet me too.

i try to quit reality by bingeing on books. reading, reading, reading to escape reality for a while. previously i watched gilmore girls from start to end. now i’m watching ally mcbeal.

it’s just a phase.

first, i went to a book sale. i seriously splurged here. i spent over rm150 on books. my budget is usually rm50. that’s three times over my budget!!

okay, granted they were mostly books by roald dahl, only my favourite writer in the whole wide world. and the books i’ve gotten were books i really wanted, have been looking for or seem interesting enough to buy based on looks alone.

then, i went to the hair salon with ella. i’ve been wanting to dye my hair blue so she finally found time to accompany me, as well as trim her hair and dye it some too. in the end, they didn’t have the colour i wanted so instead i got myself blue hair extensions. they are cheaper than dyeing my hair but still, it was rm150 just for my hair alone. oh, had a trim along with it too. and a pedicure that cost over rm50.

after that, we watched a romcom, (500) Days of Summer. it was so good from the start but the ending sucked for me. i don’t understand why it ended the way it did. before the movie, we ate some fancy pants fries, which was good but pretty expensive too.

when the movie was over, we wandered around the mall for a bit and stumbled upon a shoe shop. and of course i found a pair of shoes i liked. i’m the fussiest buyer when it comes to shoes and often i end up not finding a pair i like when i do need to buy one. it’s when i don’t need to buy one that i see all the pairs i want everywhere.

so anyway, this is the account of my day of self indulgence.

oh yeah, before i went to the hair salon, i had KFC for lunch.

i know, that piece of information just pushed my day from self indulgence to pure gluttony.

so what’s the end result? my personal library is expanding nicely, i got my blue hair, i’ve got pretty feet (painted it white and the two big toes have nail art, looks like i splashed nail polish on it, looks quite cool), i watched a pretty alright movie and i had great company because it’s my oldest and nicest friend ella.

i should have more days like this.

i don’t have anything in particular i wish to talk or think about, really.

though now that i’m thinking, i realise that my life is becoming more and more materialistic. i don’t think i earn a lot, but i’m pretty comfortable financially right now. and when you don’t feel like you’re broke, you most likely feel like splurging. i don’t splurge too much, of course. at least, not all at one go.

lately, i’ve been visiting blogshops and indulging in online shopping. so far i’ve only bought accessories and a cardigan, so nothing too excessive. but lately i’m toying with the idea of connecting my debit card to paypal so i can shop at international online stores…

on one hand, shopping does give me pleasure. i love to own beautiful things that hold special meaning to me. they also feel like an extension of my personality. you might be able to tell that i like beautiful things, but i don’t particularly care if they are of high quality.

of course, the truth is that i don’t need them. i probably need friends to feel closer to than all the things i indulge myself in. but finding friends like that is so difficult. it’s so much easier to shop. pretty things to buy are just everywhere. true friends are not.

so that’s how i got here. i want friends i can trust but whether i’m too lazy to make an effort or i haven’t met the right people or i’m just that un-friendable, i don’t know. i want friends but i can’t quite find them. i can’t find them so i feel unfulfilled. i feel unfilled so i shop.

when i say friends, i don’t really mean just any old friend. i mean people i can trust at work.

i flipped, because she told me that she got a graduation present for a mutual friend. why does our mutual friend get special preference in that department? because apparently she’s posted it all over facebook and therefore deserves to get one.

i’m not begrudging the mutual friend who will get a graduation present. what i’m pissed is that i didn’t get one simply because i didn’t tell her when i was graduating. two weeks before my graduation i was overseas and basically incommunicado over MSN, my choice of IM programmes.

my point is that, if you’re really sincere about giving me a present, you would have made it a point to know when my graduation was by asking. don’t twist it by saying i didn’t get a present because i didn’t tell you when my graduation was. how am i supposed to know i have to inform you that so i can get a present??

i’m not miffed about not getting the gift. i’m pissed that you are not sincere enough to get me a gift, but blame ME for not informing you as the reason you didn’t get me one.

and to think i thoughtfully bought you a graduation gift with our mutual friend.

you are an insensitive bitch, period.